The Bridges We Burn
by delusional mistakes
Summary: For eight years, she pretended they didn't exist. For eight years, they didn't consider her family. Finally, after those long years, Autumn Knight is forced out to California with her dad to visit her spiteful brother and his friends, where it becomes clear they want nothing to do with her. Inner demons are brought back to life, and is it's been said: old habits die hard.
1. Chapter 1

**THIS IS NOT STOLEN FROM SOMEONE ELSE, I REPEAT: NOT STOLEN FROM SOMEONE ELSE! Think you've read this story before? You probably have, but then I took it down, made a new account, slapped a new title on it, and am completely rewriting it so it doesn't suck as much. I wrote the original story called** _ **Before the Storm**_ **when I was a sophomore in high school under keynote123 but now that I've taken numerous AP English classes and I'm about to major in English education (yeah, we'll see how long that lasts…) I realized I could make the story 100 billion times better. With college starting, I wanted a fresh start and a new Fanfiction account was part of that!**

 **Now if you're new and didn't read the original version: hi! I'm Emily and usually HATE OC stories, but I work hard to make this OC have flaws and actually be someone you like, so no Mary Sue's. I'm super pumped to rewrite this and make it as good as I know it can be!**

 **Very obviously, I don't own Big Time Rush, hence, the reason I'm on this website. Do we even still have to do this part? I though it was clear if you're writing fanfics. Meh, oh well. I don't own them, and if I did, the beautiful James Maslow would have his cute butt right next to me at this moment. Sad days.**

 _It was the night of one, giant contradiction._

 _The big, Ohio sky twinkled with stars. Lightening bugs illuminated the night for brief, beautiful moments and children squealed with joy as they tried to capture the creatures in their hands. The bliss was palpable in the warm air. Parents watched fondly from their porches, the only thoughts running through their minds were of how perfect the night was._

 _A sharp cry of an ambulance shattered every ounce of that peace. Children froze, parents stood quickly; even the fireflies stopped blinking. The only emotions that could be felt were stone-cold dread and fear. In a small town such as theirs, occurrences like these were strictly limited to television screens and books. The local law enforcement only seemed to be needed for teenagers breaking curfew to smoke pot._

 _The siren cut off and emergency worked rushed out, urgency clear on their faces. Children ran to their parents and pressed close. The night was silent for what seemed to be an eternity. Nobody dared make a noise. They kept their wide eyes trained on the open door paramedics had entered._

 _Not two minutes later did a stretcher containing a small, ghostly white figure emerge. It was frantically rushed over to the emergency vehicle and "-quickly loosing blood" could be heard in a panic. A man appeared in the doorway, clutching the frame for support, tears openly streaming down his face. He cried hysterically for them to save his little girl; she was the only thing he had._

 _The siren screamed again, and the ambulance raced away in an attempt to beat death. The sound faded away in the distance, leaving the big, twinkling Ohio sky, the flickering of lightening bugs, and broken sobbing in the warm air._

* * *

 **Two Years Later...**

The mirror was my worst enemy. Every morning it reflected just what I didn't want to see; seemingly laughing right in my face. I stared at the pale underside of my arms, disgust worming its way through my chest. "It's been two years; why can't you leave me alone?" I asked the faded, yet prominent red lines littering the skin. They said nothing in response, but continued to stay put. I let out a sigh and pulled a sweatshirt over my head, despite the warm summer temperatures. "Don't want to look at you," I muttered.

I stepped out of my room into the too-large and too-lonely house. I always thought the size was ironic, since only my father and I inhabited its space. Most days it was eerily quiet. I quietly made my way down the staircase and to the kitchen, where my dad was sitting at the counter in his scrubs. His green eyes looked tired, his face scrunched up, like he was permanently worried about something. I always felt guilty catching him like this, knowing it was my fault. He used to be a handsome man (he still was), but as much as he tried to stay strong, life was getting the better of him and his face reflected it. He was only 45, but stress had aged him to look much older.

He caught sight of me, instantly shaking out of his expression and offered me a smile. "Autumn! Just the girl I wanted to see!" He pulled out the chair next to him and patted the base. I slowly walked over and sat down, staring at him expectantly. "What would you say to a father-daughter trip this summer?"

This piqued my interest. I sat up a little straighter and cracked a tiny smile. "Really? To where and for how long?" Vacations didn't tend to last very long, with my dad working at the hospital. He worked through Thanksgiving and Christmas the year prior in hopes of getting more time off during the summer, as it was my last break before plowing head first into senior year.

"I pulled a few strings and managed to get three weeks off." I gaped at that bit of information.

"Dad, that's practically imposs-"

"As for the location," he cut me off. "I was thinking somewhere we've never been. I'll give you a hint: it's warm." My brow furrowed and beautiful, tropical scenes played in my head. I sighed happily at the idea of laying on a beach in Hawaii with the sun setting and the warm water gently lapping at my feet. Or possibly watching dolphins jump up from the lovely Caribbean waters. Maybe, floating in perfectly clear water like the pictures I saw from Twitter.

"There are so many; just tell me."

"Ok, I have a trip planned for us to spend three weeks in…" He paused in his attempt to draw suspense. "California!"

I froze, dread creeping into my body. That was the exact place I didn't want to be. All the sun and tourist attractions California could possibly offer still wouldn't make me want to step foot in the state. Painful memories started forcing their way into my head and I aggressively shoved them back down. "Absolutely not."

"Autumn-"

"We both know why that's the stupidest idea you've ever had!"

"Autumn Marie Knight, this is not up for debate." His tone was forceful. I saw how tense his jaw was and knew being stubborn wouldn't help me. Trying to argue with my father would only end up being detrimental to me. Most days he held a calm and kind demeanor, but he had his hot-headed moments. "I spoke to your mother over Christmas time-" he held up his hand as soon as I opened my mouth to protest, "and she misses you."

I crossed my arms and let out a grumble. My dad's eyes softened. "It's been eight years," he pointed out gently. I remained in my silent fury. He sighed. "She wants to see you. Katie and Kendall miss you too." At the last name I snorted and muttered _doubtful_. "Autumn, please-"

"When do we leave?" I asked coldly.

"Tomorrow; pack quickly."

* * *

Apartment 2J buzzed with its usual liveliness. The bright orange couch was occupied by four screaming boys as they jabbed at their video game controllers. The large tv showed some gruesome zombie game that Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and James were just enthralled with. Katie sat to the side at the kitchen counter, rolling her eyes at their youthful antics. Out of nowhere, a zombie popped up, causing James to let out a girlish shriek and throw his controller right at the head of Kendall.

The blonde shouted in pain and smacked James upside the head. "DUDE!"

"This isn't my fault! Carlos picked out the game!" Upon hearing his name, said boy put his controller down and smirked.

"Awww, is James scared? Is he going to have nightmares tonight?" The Latino teased. Katie turned to her phone, knowing how this situation was about to play out.

"Oh yeah? Who's the one that still needs a nightlight?"

Within seconds a full blown argument had erupted. Somehow, Logan got pulled in. The small, 15 year-old girl cracked a smile and continued on her phone. Weird insults were thrown, one on top of the other and before too long the sound of furniture scraping across the floor could be heard. Katie let out an annoyed huff and stood up, cautiously walking to stand in front of the fighting boys.

"How about you all stop being stupid and shut up?" She pushed her way into the middle and shoved them apart. Kendall dusted himself off and pulled his sister close. James fixed his hair and sent a semi-angry glare to Carlos, who just plopped down on the couch.

"Katie, you're the only one who keeps us from killing each other," Logan said while affectionately ruffling her hair. Her older brother hugged her tight as she rolled her eyes, trying to brush off his compliment, despite the warmth it brought.

"Baby sister, you amaze me sometimes," Kendall said as he placed a kiss to the top of her head. Suddenly keys rattled in the door and Jennifer Knight walked through, nervousness written clear on her usually sunny face. She kicked the door closed and set the overflowing grocery bags in her arms on the counter, nearly dropping them in the process. The boys exchanged confused looks.

"Mom, what's with the insane amount of food? I know we eat a lot, but that's a bit much, even for us," Kendall said. His mother let out a breath and turned to them, an unnaturally wide smile plastered on her face.

"Boys and Katie, sit." She commanded as she went to stand by them. The redhead took in a huge breath. "We have guests coming tomorrow." Jennifer was met by confused silence, which she took as a plea to continue. "It's…" her face held a combination of excitement and wariness. "Kendall, it's your father and sister."

The blond's facial expression immediately turned to one of disgust and anger. "No, there's no way in _hell_ Autumn is welcome-"

"This is not up for debate," his mom interrupted sternly. "Not a single one of you are allowed to protest this. It's been eight years since we've seen them. Don't you miss Autumn?"

"No," came the unison reply of all four boys. Katie looked at them with confusion. Carlos's mouth was turned down in a frown, looking like he just smelled something bad. Logan's chocolate eyes showed anger as his fists clenched by his side. James sat there, his jaw set tightly, his eyes held the same anger as Logan's, but held a hint of betrayal.

Kendall, though, had a fire blazing in his green eyes. He stood up, fury radiating from him. Katie shrunk back in fear and looked to her mom. "You can let them in— whatever— but don't expect me to like any bit of it." He spat before storming to his room.

A tangible awkwardness hung in the air for a few minutes. Everybody looked at one another, not quite sure what to do. Carlos stood up slowly.

"So… Who wants dinner?"

 **Phew, wow, I managed to pop out chapter one. I guess I don't really have a whole lot to say other than: please leave a review, favorite, etc… I absolutely LOVE hearing from you all and I don't really have any friends on here and I really want to make some!**

 **Oh, and I'm holding to my old tradition: if you review you get a shoutout before each chapter AND CYBER COOKIES/PIES/CAKES/WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT! I mean, who can resist that? PLEASE LOVE ME AND THIS STORY!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, guys I'm so incredibly sorry for how long this took. I just made my transition to college and it was a crazy stressful time but I'm all situated and hopefully will be able to update more. Cyber sugar cookies to: suitelifeforver9, larasxvii95, BigTImeRush-BTR, and the two guests that reviewed and a huge thanks to anyone else who had enough faith in this story to follow/favorite it.**

 **Without further ado: onward, Midgaurdians!**

I stared at the pale green of my comforter, suitcase in hand, wishing I could remain in the comfort and safety of my room forever. The sun shined through my window, seemingly mocking me.

"Autumn, if we don't leave now we'll miss our flight!" My dad's voice sounded from down the stairs. I briefly debated locking my door and laying on my bed for the next three hours, but I quickly dismissed that as childish. With one last forlorn sweep across my sanctuary, I gripped my luggage tighter and took the first step that would ultimately change my life.

* * *

I looked out at the cloud wonderland currently outside my plane window. They reflected the bright sun, creating a blinding and captivating moment. I gently pressed my fingers against the hard Plexiglas and let out a quiet breath. Even though they were inanimate objects, I was suddenly jealous of the clouds. They didn't have the pressures of family and overwhelming desire to run away and never look back. They could float as the wind took them and feel no regrets.

" _Please make sure all seatbelts are fastened and trays in the upright, locked position. Your stewardess will be around to collect any trash you still may have. We will begin our decent into Los Angeles shortly_." The crackly voice of our captain informed us, breaking me out of my trance. I blinked and shook my head. My father looked up briefly from his book, clearly uninterested in what the pilot had to say.

A sudden panic took hold of my body. The true weight of the situation finally dawned upon me and I felt ready to throw up. In a few short hours I would be face-to-face with the ones who broke all their promises; the ones who, when I reached out, turned their backs and acted as though I didn't exist; the ones who hated me for a choice I made and decided to punish me every day for it.

" _It was your fault. If you had chosen differently, none of this would have happened._ " The voice in my head mocked. I looked down at my forearms, tears springing into my eyes. I angrily brushed them away and yanked down the long sleeves of my shirt. My dad caught sight of that, and set down his book, concern in his eyes.

"Autumn, is everything ok?" He asked gently. I felt like laughing, asking him what he thought, because he was the reason I was on this suffocating plane, about to face my biggest fear. I wanted to tell him my therapist sucked, and this trip could be the thing to set me over the edge again.

"I'm fine," I muttered while crossing my arms over my chest. He opened his mouth, wanting to say more, but closed it a few seconds later. I settled back into my seat and let my emotions fade away in the 15 minutes it took for the plane to land.

* * *

"Dad, are you sure you know where we're going?" Bodies rammed into me. I gripped my luggage tighter and tried to push forward. "I don't see Mom anywhere."

"This is where she told us to meet… I'm almost positive."

Spotting an open bench, I plowed my way toward it. I plopped down and reached up to fix my hair, knowing it was slightly disheveled. My dad sat down next to me, his phone pressed to his ear.

"That's where we are, Jen- no, we're sitting on a bench… It's a little impossible to do that- wait, I found you!" He exclaimed as he started to frantically wave his hand. I ducked out of the way and just barely missed getting whacked in the head. Out of nowhere, a pair of arms had swept me up and were squeezing the life out of me. I let out a squeak of surprise.

"Oh my goodness, Autumn, honey, look at how old you've gotten! You're so tall and so beautiful!" My mother remarked.

"Hi, Mom," I managed to choke out, my body immobile from the crushing hug. She let go and I took a desperate breath of air.

"I'm so excited to have both of you here! It's been how long? Nine years? Of course I've gotten Christmas cards but this is completely different." She beamed and at that I felt emotional. I hadn't had a mother in nine years.

"We're very excited to be here." My dad replied warmly.

"Well, let's get everything loaded into the van, and then we'll get home and have dinner. The boys got released from the studio early today, so they'll be home too see you!" She eagerly informed us. At that news, my stomach flipped and the nauseousness returned. My dad took notice and gently rubbed my back before pushing me one more step closer to the place i dreaded.

* * *

I stood outside the apartment door, about ready to pass out. My mom fumbled around with her keys. I could hear screams from the inside and something that sounded like a foosball table. As my mom turned the lock, all sounds vanished except the erratic beating of my heart. I took in a shaky breath as the door swung open, revealing the source of all my anxiety. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and I had the fear they were going to suddenly give out. My mom walked through the door, a huge smile on her face. My dad urged me forward and I took a hesitant step into the large apartment before me.

"Welcome home," my mom said.

Upon her words, a loud scoff was hear across the room. I followed its direction to find four angry-looking boys. Kendall looked right at me, his eyes livid. I shrunk back, willing myself to push all emotions aside to spare the embarrassment of crying.

I could hear people talking but I wasn't paying attention. I stared at the ground and tried to focus on the scuff marks rather than the hatred seeping off of my brother and his friends. I focused on their odd shape and color, and before too long, I could feel the blessed numbness creep back in.

Out of nowhere, a little pair of arms wrapped around my body, breaking my focus. I look up to see a tiny, teenage girl staring at me excitedly. Surprise took over my body and I stood there for a few seconds, not quite knowing what to do. I hadn't expected any kind of affection from my siblings.

"Autumn, it's been so long!" Katie said happily. At her words, an unfamiliar warmth spread through me, and I gently squeezed back, a slight smile on my face.

"It really has been, Katie-cat," I remarked softly. She pulled away and one look into her big, brown brought back years of memories. I stepped back, pain returning to my body, which I promptly tried to swallow down.

"Ken, I was thinking you could sleep on the extra bed in my room," my mom started. "and James could move into Kendall's room so Autumn could stay there." Upon her words, I could hear protesting. I turned to look and my heart nearly stopped. There, not 20 feet from me, was one of the boys I hadn't seen since I was 11, and he looked nothing like I remembered him. Normally, I had more self respect than to gawk at an attractive boy, but for some reason I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away. I was acutely aware of the white-knuckled grip I had on my suitcase, but nothing else seemed to register. Words were being spoken, but I heard none of them.

All of a sudden, hazel eyes met mine, and for a split second, showed surprise before turning to a fiery contempt, effectively knocking me out of my state. I let my eyes fall back to the ground, resorting to my usual numb tactics. Feeling nothing was easier than feeling everything.

"-she can take it, but if I find a single thing out of place, there will be hell to pay,"

My mom gave a tight smile and thanked James. He rolled his eyes before walking away, obviously not pleased. I felt guilty. I knew if it was me, I wouldn't want to give up my room to someone I hated.

"Mom, I can sleep on the couch, it's ok," I spoke up.

"Or in the hallway," I heard Kendall mutter. My mom shot him a glare.

"No, you deserve to have a bed." She paused, getting teary-eyed, instantly making me uncomfortable. "You deserve so much…"

An awkward silence hung in the room as we stared at her.

" _This is going to be a fun trip,_ " I thought sarcastically.

* * *

Dinner rolled around, and unease pooled in my stomach. After two hours of James making it known he was not pleased and the guys throwing glares my way, I was in desperate need of alone time. I felt like a stranger to the people I had known since my birth.

I took a seat in between my dad and Katie, praying for some sort of emotional release. Food was passed around, and for the first five minutes, my wish was granted. My parents chattered away happily while the guys seemed content enough to ignore my presence. I took small bites of my food, relishing in the lack of tension.

"So, Autumn," my mom turned to me. "what are your plans for the rest of the summer?"

I set my fork down and blinked a few times. "Um, honestly I don't think much of anything. Band camp starts up in about a month and a half, and that turns into a big time commitment until school starts. Since I'm an officer, I have to be there even more." As soon as I finished a snicker was heard across the table. I whipped my head around to find Kendall laughing and shaking his head.

"What's so funny?" Katie asked with confusion.

"She makes it seem like band is something important and worthwhile," Kendall mocked. The other guys started to laugh. I felt a flicker of anger, but I tried to push it down.

"Actually, it is. We do enough work to be counted as a gym credit-" I was cut off by hysterical laughter. I looked to my dad desperately.

"A gym credit?" My brother managed to gasp out. "Marching band is where the socially-awkward, unattractive, losers go. It takes no talent, and shouldn't be considered work." With that, a fire ripped through me. I stood up, knocking my chair over.

"NO TALENT?! You're the one who has no talent! Big Time Rush has yet to place in the top 20 charts and you've been around how long? Your music is full of corny lyrics and artificial sounds."

"At least we know how to make music and actually entertain people!"

"Oh yeah, 12 year-old girls-"

"THAT IS ENOUGH FROM BOTH OF YOU!" The entire room went silent. "Now, I want both of you to apologize to each other," my mom commanded. My hands balled into fists and I unwillingly looked up to meet Kendall's gaze. His green eyes matched mine to a tee.

"Sorry," I muttered. My dad rubbed my back as I let my head fall back down.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry that your lack of talent has lead you to be jealous and hateful of me and you've turned into a huge bitch."

The last thing I remembered was my dad trying to restrain me from jumping across the table before blinding rage took over.

* * *

"Autumn, what the hell were you thinking?" My dad groaned in frustration. I picked at the unusually bright orange threads of the couch.

"I wasn't," I muttered.

"Yeah, obviously you weren't," he ran his hands through his hair before falling down next to me. "You know what Dr. Jackson would have told you to do-"

"Dr. Jackson doesn't know what he's doing. He shouldn't have his doctorate."

"That's not fair-"

"Kendall was just as guilty as me. Why isn't he getting lectured?" I felt annoyed. Sure, he hadn't tried to strangle me and knock over everything on the dinner table, but he had been rude and problematic.

"Your mom is talking to him now." I laughed inwardly, knowing it was nothing compared to what I had just received from my dad. Being practically his only child made for heavy criticism of my errors."Now, I want you to go into his room and give him a real apology."

I stared at him, my mouth wide open. My brother blatantly offended me and I was expected to interact with him again? I wanted to scream and was inwardly beating myself up. " _You just had to get upset, didn't you?_ " My dad sent me a look that clearly said "don't argue with me, young lady". I pushed myself up, pressing my lips together, before slowly journeying over to the last place I wanted to be. Reaching his door, I hesitated before knocking lightly. I could head rustling and five seconds later the door swung open to reveal a very annoyed and angry Kendall.

"What the hell do you want?" He snapped. I took in a breath, not wanting to do this, but knowing I had to.

"Listen, I came to apologi-"

"Listen, I'm going to say what I've been thinking for the past few hours: leave me and all the guys alone for however long you're here. We want nothing to do with you and would greatly appreciate it if stayed out of our way. For all I'm concerned, you're not my sister anymore, so I don't have to treat you like one." He finished and slammed the door in my face. I stepped back, confusion and hurt taking hold of my body. His last sentence rang in my mind. I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes and I angrily wiped them away.

I retreated to my temporary room. My safe haven. Nothing could hurt me here. I threw myself on the large bed, ignoring the wonderful smell of the sheets. Kendall's last words kept playing through my mind. My emotions began to overwhelm my body. I clutched at my hair and pulled, trying to find some release from the pain. My throat felt like it was being squeezed and my head pounded. Everything was too much for me to deal with. I desperately needed something to take away my emotions.

A sob racked my body. I clutched my arms and kicked my suitcase, sending the front pocket contents tumbling out. I groaned at bent down to pick them up. I started shoving them all back in angrily before picking up my last item: my razor. I stopped, desire urging me on. My grip tightened.

" _There are other options. This shouldn't be one. You know what happened the last time._ " I stared at my forearm.

"- _you're not my sister anymore-_ " my brother's voice echoed in my head.

"Fuck it," I muttered before prying an individual blade loose. The shine of the metal made me comfortable again, like it was an old friend. I rolled up my left sleeve with a shaky hand, the old scars seeming to welcome me back. I went to press down and froze.

" _Is this really what you want?_ "

" _Of course it is. You heard your brother: you're just an ugly band kid that has no talent. Do you even have somebody who cares enough about you to stop you right now? No. Not even your family would care. Do it."_

I felt tears stream down my face. With one swift motion, I pulled the blade across my pale skin, red instantly oozing out. I let out a sigh of relief, feeling the emotions drain away. I dragged it twice more, effectively adding three more little red lines.

I slumped back and stared at my little blade in wonder. Before too long, the realization of what I did dawned upon me and I inhaled sharply. Two years of therapy was supposed to break me of this. Feeling disgusted with myself, I shoved my sleeve back down and threw the sharp piece of metal back into my suitcase. I put my head in my shaky hand and whispered "Nobody will ever know."

 **Wow, ok done! I'm so, so, so sorry again for how long this took. I promise the next one will be quicker! Oh, did you notice I did a little line copying from the first episode? Bonus points to you if you can find it! (Hint: Autumn says it!) Until then, please don't be shy! I absolutely love reviews and talking to new people! (I don't really have friends on here… Would it be too much to ask for you to love me?) I love you all!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi, everyone, I'm so so so so sorry for how long this took! I've had midterms and homework, and just college life in general. I know excuses aren't the best, but I just want you all to know I haven't forgotten about this story!**

 **Also, this chapter would have been up a few days ago, had the document manager not hated me... I wrestled with it for three days before I figured out it didn't like uploading Word documents. Either way, it's here now!**

 **Cyber pumpkin spice cookies to: Rusher Driver, Super girl, Turtle Lynn, Guest, and anybody else who has read and done anything else for this story.**

* * *

Hesitantly, I peeked out my door, my stinging forearm pressed to my side. Upon seeing no bodies claiming the space of my immediate eyesight, I breathed out a sigh of relief. I quickly grabbed one of the towels folded neatly on the edge of the bed and snuck to the only bathroom in the house, thankful the walk there did not involve running into one of the four boys.

Once in the brightly-lit bathroom, I carefully closed the door. The rainbow shower curtain stared at me, and I nearly laughed at how ridiculous it looked. The entire décor looked like it was straight out of an early teen magazine.

I passed by the mirror and froze. My skin looked a little too pale and my eyes a little too sunken in. I gingerly lifted up my sleeve, hissing when the fabric hit the fresh wounds. The red stood out in stark contrast to the pure white of my skin. A sudden anger took over and I harshly pushed away from the sink and forcefully turned on the shower.

I stripped away my clothes and stepped into the warm tub, my emotions instantly washing away. Kendall's words tried to echo in my head, but I forced them down, and instead tried to focus on the task of washing my hair.

About five minutes in, a knock at the door sounded and my mom's voice called out "Autumn, honey, can I come in to get your dirty clothes? I'm going to run a load of laundry."

I allowed her, not thinking anything of it, and finished my shower quickly.

I stepped out, the fog swirling around me. I dried myself off with the towel and instantly froze. "Shit." I muttered. In my emotional haste, I had neglected to bring my pajamas with me. I tried to reason that it would be alright, and I would just wear my dirty clothes back to my room.

I searched around the tiny bathroom, frustration growing. "Where did they go? I wore them in here…" I growled. I got down on my hands and knees to search under the counter, and then a realization hit me. "My mom grabbed them," I groaned.

" _It'll be ok. Nobody was around when you walked here, so you should be alright to walk back to James's room in just a towel."_ I thought. The towel was wrapped tightly around my body as I took a few careful steps toward the door. Voices could be heard from the other side and I wanted to scream. I took a deep breath and quietly cracked open my barrier to the rest of the apartment. Kendall, Katie, and Carlos were sitting on the couch watching something on the television, their attention diverted from the bathroom.

I took a silent step out, the cold air making me shiver. Before anybody could see me, I took off, gripping the towel and bounding forward on the balls of my feet.

As soon as I reached the hallway, I slowed to a walk, and looked back, my heart pounding. Out of nowhere, I collided with a large mass, sending me flying to the ground. My head snapped back around to find the horribly attractive James Diamond staring at me, his mouth agape. I looked down to avoid eye contact and froze with fear. There, completely on the ground, was my towel. I, dreadfully enough, was not covered by it.

I tried to move, but nothing in my body seemed to work. James seemed to be in the same predicament. " _Do something!_ " I shouted to myself. " _You're sitting naked in front of your brother's best friend!_ "

"WOAH!" Came the started voice of Logan, effectively breaking the two of us out of our fear-induced trance. I scrambled up, wrapping the towel back in place, holding it down with an iron grip.

"D-dude it was all her!" James spoke. My mouth dropped open. "She ran right into me!" I could feel the heat rising to my face. The shorter of the two boys looked at me, a slow grin coming to his face.

"Looks like somebody's grown up to be a little bit of a slut," He taunted with a laugh. At his words, a sudden anger took over. I pushed past them and walked the short distance to my temporary room, slamming the door shut behind me. At the loud bang, I could hear James make a noise of surprise followed by snickering.

I threw my towel aside and dressed in a red haze. "If you're a woman and you've had sex, you're automatically a slut, but if you haven't, you're a prude," I muttered to myself. Outside, the California sun shined, making me annoyed. I stomped over to the window and practically tore the curtains down. The dim room calmed my emotions a bit and I let out a breath.

I glanced over at the digital clock to find it was only 7:30, but I felt exhausted. "Stupid California time," I spoke with disdain. I fell onto the large bed, letting myself take comfort in the sweet smell of the sheets. Just laying in the protection of the enclosed four walls sent a wave of relief through my body. Outside, I could hear the laughter of the four boys.

" _You see that? Happy without you. You were so delusional to think they would want you back. You're not important to this family. Nobody wants an ugly, unwanted, horrible piece of trash like you_."

I could feel my throat tightening and I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the burning tears from pouring down. It hadn't always been this way. Eight years ago, I made one decision that tore me away from some of the most important people in my life. I made one choice that caused Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan to hate me forever.

A tiny sob racked my body, and before I could do anything, the floodgates had burst. Hot tears streamed down my face. Tremors rocked my body, but I didn't make any noise. Nobody wanted the burden of taking care of me. Not a single soul needed to know what was going on. My brain was sick, and it wasn't ok.

Eventually, I become too tired and fell into the land of unconsciousness. The blissful blackness took over. When asleep, I didn't have to worry about life's problems.

* * *

 _"Mo-ooooom, Autumn won't stop mooing, and it's annoying!" Eight year-old Kendall complained. His six year-old sister, adorned in a cow onesie and black and white ears, skipped into the kitchen, giggling and mooing._

 _"Autumn, dear, please stop," her mother requested gently while trying to wrangle Katie into a pumpkin costume. Heavy footsteps sounded from the stairs to reveal Mr. Knight holding two bright orange jack-o-lantern buckets._

 _"Who's ready to get some candy?" He asked excitedly. Autumn and Kendall started bouncing up and down with joy, and little Katie let out a shriek of happiness at her sibling's energy. The older version of Kendall walked farther into the warm kitchen. "Your candy collector, Mr. Hockey Player," he said while handing one of the plastic buckets to his son. "And for you, my beautiful little cow." Upon his words, Autumn let out a tiny "moo", eliciting a groan from Kendall._

 _Suddenly, the doorbell rang. "I got it!" Kendall called as he raced to the front door. Katie let out another shriek before bounding into the living room, buck naked. Mrs. Knight let out a frustrated sigh and her husband laughed._

" _I'll take care of the naked toddler. You go talk to Brooke, Sylvia, and Joanna." He pulled Jennifer in for a hug before attempting to tackle down Katie._

" _-and now I can look just like my papi!" Came the excited voice of Carlos. The young boy was decked out in a little cop uniform. Autumn's head snapped up at the sound of the approaching boys and excitement filled her eyes._

 _"Carlos, your costume is cool and all but I think mine is bett-" James was cut off by the tiny force that slammed him in his torso. A tiny voice squealed out his name and he gave a smile. "Hi, Autumn," he regarded warmly. The little girl giggled and let go._

 _"Oh, how cute is that? James is a cowboy and Autumn is an actual cow!" His mother spoke from down the hall. Suddenly, Katie, now fully costumed, ran up to the group and nearly fell on the hardwood, had her brother not caught her. Mr. Knight strolled back into the small kitchen._

 _"Hey, everyone looks great! Logan, I'm loving the Harry Potter costume." At his words, the smallest member blushed and let out a little 'thank you'. "And it is now 6:00, which means trick-or-treat has officially begun. Let's go get some candy!"_

 _The hoard of people occupying the house found their way out into the cool, October Minnesota air. Already, the streets were packed with little children dressed to imitate princess or fictional characters. Autumn ran up to her brother and took hold of his hand, for fear of getting lost. He looked down and squeezed her palm, silently letting her know he wouldn't leave her._

 _They went up to the first house, where a hoard of children were pushing to get their sugary treats. The boys all rushed forward in the eager pursuit of candy. The cow, however remained back._

 _"Autumn, aren't you going to get candy?" Her mother asked. She shook her head. The sudden fear of being trampled by all the people took hold. "Oh, that's right, you don't like a lot of people, do you?" She shook her head and gripped her candy bucket tighter. Her dad rubbed her shoulders comfortingly._

 _The boys came back, huge smiles on their faces and slightly more full bags. "Autumn, did you want to get some?" Carlos asked. She took one more look at the large crowd and her eyes widened. Logan noticed her fear and gently placed a box of Nerds from his bag into Autumn's bucket with a soft smile._

 _"Oh, Logan that was super nice of you. What do you say, Autumn?"_

 _"Thank you, Logie."_

 _As more people approached, the small group left in pursuit of other houses. Carlos skipped over to the tiny farm animal and took her hand. "Just stick with me, and I promise you won't be scared, ok?" Autumn nodded her head and let out an 'ok' back._

* * *

 _"Ok, these are the last few houses of the night, and then we have to get this little moo beast to bed," Mr. Knight informed the children while affectionately poking his daughter. She squealed before bursting into a fit of giggles. It was only Mr. Knight, the four boys, and Autumn left. Katie had fallen asleep an hour into the Halloween festivities, and as soon as Kendall suggested his friends spend the night, the moms disappeared._

 _Autumn, now confident with the sparse crowds, skipped right behind the boys up a dark driveway. Her pumpkin had overflowed and she had to resort to carrying a plastic grocery bag instead. A breeze hit, sending cold fall air right in the kids faces. They shivered, but persisted on, anyways._

 _They had almost reached the door, when all of a sudden, a teenage boy in a clown mask popped out of the dense hedges, screaming and getting uncomfortably close to the kids. Autumn let out a shriek of pure terror and fell back, hitting her head and sending candy flying everywhere. An enormous pain erupted from the back of her skull, and when she she reached to rub it, her hand came back wet. With the fear, the little girl burst into tears that quickly escalated to screaming sobs of pain._

 _Her dad bolted up the driveway and lifted her into his arms, worry and panic written clear across his face._

 _"Autumn, baby, what's wrong? What hurts?" He paused to brush her hair back, and his eyes widened when he felt the warm stickiness of blood. "Kendall, take your sister and make sure she keeps her eyes open, ok? I have to make a phone call." He instructed in a forced calm before handing the small girl off to the protective arms of her bother._

 _Kendall gripped her with his life, his face white at the sight of her blood on the pavement. Autumn suddenly felt very tired and her mossy green eyes started to close. "Hey, Autumn, you need to stay awake for me, ok? Please do this for me, little one," he pleaded, tears rolling down his face. "I promise, that as long as you're in my arms, nothing will hurt you, but you need to hold on for me. Please."_

 _James grabbed Autumn's hand and squeezed gently. "You'll be alright, I know you will," the second oldest of the group murmured. Carlos and Logan came in closer, both afraid._

 _"She's not going to die, right?" Carlos asked fearfully. Kendall shook his head fiercely. His sister started to lose consciousness again._

 _"Hey, hey, you have to stay awake. What can we do to help you?" James practically pleaded. Autumn was now as white as a sheet of paper._

 _"Sing a song," she managed to get out quietly. The boys looked at each other and nodded, not giving it a second thought._

 _"Somewhere, over the rainbow," Kendall started, the sound of sirens in the background. Carlos, Logan, and James joined in, their voices slightly shaking and tears in their eyes._

 _A few minutes later, an ambulance appeared and three men with a stretcher rushed forward to save the near-death child. Kendall handed her off, and panic immediately registered in Autumn. She used what little energy she had left to start grabbing for her brother and began to cry when she wasn't allowed that._

 _"KENDALL, I WANT KENDALL!" She screamed. The paramedics tried to soothe her, but to no avail._

 _The young blond rushed over to his sister and tenderly grabbed her hand. "Hey, little one, don't worry. I'll be right there when you wake up. You have to be very brave now, ok?" She nodded. "Carlos, Logan, James, and I will be there for everything. I promise we'll never leave you."_

* * *

I woke up, an unusual warmth throughout my body and a smile on my face. I blinked a few times, and the happiness quickly faded when the events of the previous day came crashing down on me. I gently ran the tips of my finger over my forearms and tears sprung into my eyes. I harshly pushed them down, willing myself to feel nothing at all. It was easier that way.

I sank deeper into the soft pillows, reflecting on the dream. It was over ten years ago, and Kendall's promise still haunted me. Once again, I felt the raised lines of flesh on my arm and a sudden flash of anger took over.

"Always be there for me, my ass." I muttered through clenched teeth. "You're the worst brother a person could ever ask for."

 **Phew, ok, chapter three is over! Once again, I'm so sorry for how late this came out! I've been swamped with work. No joke, for my English class, I'll have to read 400 page novels in like three days and write five page essays over them once every few weeks. Ah, 'tis the life of an English education major.**

 **Please, please, please, don't hesitate to review or anything along those lines. It absolutely makes my night to hear from you all. Plus, I like to make friends, and when you review, you're automatically my friend! Please, I just want love!**


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